Beginnings Are Such Delicate Times (According to Hans Zimmer)
You’ll finish reading this blog post before the song ends, but I encourage you to read this to some Hans Zimmer.
“I must not fear. Fear is the mind-killer. Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration. I will face my fear. I will permit it to pass over me and through me. And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path. Where the fear has gone there will be nothing. Only I will remain.”
- Frank Herbert, Dune
For those of you who have missed it - I’m reading Dune (after seeing Dune Part One/Part Two). Now that I’m reading the series and prepping for this hike, I get why an old friend would quote that “fear is the mind killer” during big adventures. This part has been on repeat the last few days: “I will face my fear…[and]…Only I will remain.” This quote has me thinking about all the things I could worry (and am worrying) about or fear: big and small animals, dehydration, getting lost, the dark (!!), running out of food, etc. And with each of these worries, I will face my fear, and only I will remain. I’m trying to shift into a mindset of gratitude and humility as I get nearer to the start of my trip.
Here’s a quick story and it’s all about poop. It is a story that was the alternate title of this blog post: “The Boy Who Would Never Use a Public Toilet Is Embarking On A Thru-Hike To Poop Outside”. You guessed it, The Boy Who Would Never Use a Public Toilet Is Embarking On A Thru-Hike To Poop Outside is indeed the same boy writing this blog post - me. Hi. Hey. Yep, growing up I had poop fright in public bathrooms; shoes visible from under the stall door? No bowel movement from me. I was afraid to poop anywhere. I felt the rumbly in my tumbly and it meant waiting until I was in the comforts of my own home. I’m sure you get the point. I’m not exaggerating, but to tell younger me that I was going on a trip to poop in the wild (amongst other goals as well, don’t you worry) and see his face would be priceless.
The fear of public restrooms story was an important part of this post – pooping in public to me was the thing that stopped me in my tracks. It was the mind killer, but I’ve faced those fears and now only I remain. I know that there will be no less than 23,984,024,032,405 things that I can’t even begin to predict about life on trail, but what I do know is that the more that I fear, the less I’ll be in the moment. I’m slowly trying to remind myself that if I can recenter and focus on the now of this trip – not questioning my abilities, not fearing the creepy crawlies, not fearing the unknown – the better my days will be.
The reason I share this story is because I’m grateful. I am grateful for the space to have grown into a human who embraces the messy, unpredictable, and joyous parts of the outdoors. I am grateful for mentors, guidance, and friends who have taught me invaluable skills that have built my confidence to be able to attempt a feat like thru-hiking the PCT. I’m grateful for my family who are welcoming me back home to live for a little bit and regather myself before I leave. I’m grateful for the ability to take a career sabbatical at 25 to dually pursue a dream of mine and take a break from the working world. Today my mom asked me, “how many people do you think dream about doing something like this and never get the chance?” From my small sampling of folks on these Facebook groups, I know there’s at least a few thousand people, but I know that number is much larger. I try to hold on to that and feel the gratitude for the time, space, and privilege to attempt this hike.
I still can’t believe that 25 year old me is about to hit the ground running walking on the adventure of a lifetime. I’ve been thinking about me in 2010 (see below) and have been asking myself “what things have you done since 2010 that would leave younger you gobsmacked?” because I bet my bottom dollar that going to Stanford, loving the outdoors, and getting on this trail would absolutely destroy that little dawg. Not to mention the ability to grow facial hair and be out of braces…watch out, his shutter shades are about to fly off.
In terms of trail excitement, here’s where I am at. I spent last weekend up in the Big Bear area with one of my buddies. The trip was super fun and was great to share company for the weekend, but I’m sure by the end of the trip, my friend was fed up with me exclaiming, “OH DUDE THEY’RE DOING IT! THESE PCT HIKERS MADE IT TO BIG BEAR! DUUUUUUUUDE, THAT’S GONNA BE ME SOON.” I was drooling over gear, admiring the smiles on the faces of these hikers, getting stoked on scoping out places to charge my phone. It was my soon-to-be-hiker dream to see so many people hitting Big Bear. It absolutely got me GOING.
Tangent A.J. musing: Big Bear is very fun and having come from one mountain town and exploring another, it opened my eyes to just how big the world is. There are MULTITUDES of mountain towns I’ve never seen, nor do I probably know the names of. I’m so stoked to see the world beyond the beauties of Tahoe. Tahoe had (and has) so much to offer, but I’m absolutely pumped to explore new horizons. The place and it’s people will always hold a special spot in my heart, and who knows what post trail life will bring.
I’m a week out and I’m finalizing all my last minute to-dos: tighten up my gear, get all my resupply boxes finished up (mostly contacts with some gifts to future-me sprinkled in), get those life admin tasks done, and bring my resting heart rate down to below 90bpm. Per the title, Beginnings Are Such Delicate Times. In that light, I need to remind myself to practice care and gentleness with myself as I head out there on trail. I had a good call with a friend about starting new things. I’m going to mess up the exact words, but the notion was that you can’t be bad at something you’re doing for the first time. You’re new, so just get out there and try your best. So folks, that’s exactly what I’ll be doing.
Also, you might notice proper capitalization in this post…don’t get used to it. The fancy dancy Frank Herbert quote made me feel fOrMaL. If you’re hungry for trail content beyond my blog posts here’s what I’ve been putting into my noggin these past few weeks:
Podcast — Only one pod this week, but it’s a good one.
Backpacker Radio – Training for a Thru-Hike, Injury Prevention, and Helping Hikers on the PCT featuring Blaze Physio, a mobile Physical Therapist on trail – There is very cool info on this pod. It’s a little lengthy, but so worth a listen!
Music – I started a little playlist (as I do for every occasion) and asked people on IG what songs to put on it. I’m trying to carry my community with me and I think one way is through music.
Instagrams — To be so for real, these folks popped up on my PCT Instagram’s explore page (where I’ll be sharing daily trail updates), so I have no idea who they are but they seem cool.
@lachmarsh - they’re doing a rare camera project with thru-hikers
@marthas.travels - her photos have such great color grading
Youtube Videos — If you’re wondering what videos I’ve been feeding my eyes, here’s a few:
How to Pick a Campsite by JupiterHikes - Jupiter is a professional thru-hiker, and has a lot of cool videos
I Fit All This Into One Tiny Backpack by Jack Keogh - There are a trillion gear videos out there, but this one has such a gorgeous backdrop
Easy Stoveless Backpacking Meals by (again!) JupiterHikes - I’m including this one for everyone wondering what one eats when they cold soak
